I am a 20-year old Muslim girl and have had a very bad past with a non-Muslim boy for 2 years. While I had this relationship I felt very guilty, but I still maintained it. At the time, I believed it was somehow justified because this non-Muslim boy told me he was seeking the true religion, and I truly believed that one day we'd become sincere and dedicated Muslims together and get married one day. But, blindly becoming weaker in faith and confused with his time to decide on Islam, I instead did haram things with him. We came very close to intercourse, but Alhamdulilah, we didn't continue. Finally, he told me he rejected Islam. Devastated, I turned to Allah and cut off all ties with him. My parents are now beginning to search for a husband for me. But I am too disgusted with myself to have done such bad things and to have this secret past. I pray for Allah's forgiveness, but how can I forgive myself? All my life I was saving these intimacies for my husband and now I feel everything is ruined. If, however, Allah blesses me with a good Muslim person to marry I will marry about my past, and how many details about that relationship should I give? I would feel extremely guilty keeping my past from him, but at the same time, I don't want him to be disgusted with me as I am with myself. I am afraid that no good Muslim boy (the kind I'm interested to marry) will accept my past if I tell him, since I probably would not want to marry someone with a past like mine if I was an obedient Muslim all my life like I should have been. Please advise me on what to say, and please do pray for me.

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I am glad you have come to this realization. Your spirit of guilt and repentance is the beginning of the purification process. Keep going with this spirit. Open new chapters in your life and put an end to the past and focus on the future. As you are working constantly to build a pure future and showing devotion and dedication to Allah (SWT) and your faith, then you won't have time to think or talk about your past to yourself or your future husband.



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